July 27, 2004

  • I feel as though I will never get out of this love turmoil I'm in.  No matter what I do I always think about Frank and of what we shared.  I have to try endlessly to push out all those good times out of my memory and keep reminding myself about the wrongs in the relationship that was suppose to last forever. 

    Last night I dreamt of him and was overcome by this terrible longing to be held in his embrace while I was lulled to sleep with a heartbeat lullaby as my head nestled across his chest, that upon awaking I was feeling for him in my bed and was disappointed to discover my raccoon Rax (he's a stuffed animal) nestled precariously in my arms.  I almost cried knowing I'm alone and that there is no one with me to tell me everything is going to be all right and just hold me and wipe the tears flowing from my eyes.

    I do miss him very much and I loved him so much and it hurts me to even think of moving on.  Those wicked questions pop in my head now and again, "Will I love the new man the same as I did Frank or will I love him more or worst, less?,  Will I be able to trust my heart again?"  How can I start a new relationship with the old one preoccupying my mind? 

    My self control is weighing thin.  I miss, oh do I ever miss the love that was once mine.  Being safe and secured and naive of ever breaking up.  I truely miss that.  I miss the cuddling, kissing, teasing, and warmth.  I miss it all.  Maybe even some of the petty arguments that were resolved in a lover's embrace and kiss with tears of joy falling down between two sealed mouths because they were so happy to have one another.

    Love sometimes have a bitter ending in stored.  It taught me to view it as both enemy and friend.  It pains me to say that, but it's true.  I often wonder to myself had we not been in Iraq together would our love have survived?  The pressures and stress from the deployment added by the constant torment of co-workers day and night helped in the seperation process, but they didn't make Frank into the control freak.  He did that himself.  How long would it have been before his true colors showed?  Would I have gone through a divorce instead of a broken engagement?

    I do not know the answers to such questions, and some questions are better left unanswered.  All I know is my heart and soul are slowly mending for the next love that should walk into my life.  Though I ask myself, was Frank the only one and am I destined to be a spinster?  I never want that question answered because if the answer turns out to be a yes, I will surely die. 

Comments (2)

  • Jen,

                don't worry you will find someone else who will love you just as much as you love them, just remember when he  went home on leave he found another woman while he was engaged to you, this is not a man, he does not stand by his convictions or his commitment it is better that you found out now rather than later when you were married and had a bunch of children to take care of, I truly believe you will find the love of your dreams and the  man that you deserve, one that will love you with all his heart and his soul just do not be in a rush, and take one day at a time, just remember my saying honey, this was not meant to be  when it is meant to be, you will know it, you do not want to be controlled like an animal, no one can own a human being you want someone who will love you respect you, and honor you, you will find that special someone I believe this. In the meantime if you need someone to talk to your mother and I are here, and we are supportive just have faith in your God, and your faith, and yourself.

      We love you with all our heart  Mom and Dad

  • I came here to tell you I love your user name, and then I read your entry and was so touched.  I really feel for you, I can feel the pain in your words.  I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and missing the arms of one you love.  I do believe that love will come to you again.  Sounds to me like you were better off finding out before marriage that this was not the man for you. 

    I was touched by your dad's response here in the comments, too.  He's wise, listen to him :)

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