June 18, 2004

• This was too funny not to share:

  "The Middle Wife"
  By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
  
  I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.  I have two kids myself,
  but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
  classroom a few years back.
  
  When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.  So I always have a few sessions
  with my students.  It helps them get over shyness and, usually,
  show-and-tell is pretty tame.  Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
  pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.  And I never, ever place any
  boundaries or limitations on them.  If they want to lug it to school and
  talk about it, they're welcome.
  
  Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
  takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
  stuffed under her sweater.  She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  "This is
  Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
  
  First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
  seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
  through an umbrella cord."
  
  She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
  laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
  amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
  'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
  around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!
  
  Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and
  groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
  doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."
  
  "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with
  her back against the wall.  "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water
  she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
  over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her
  little hands are miming water flowing away.  It was too much!
  
  "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"
  "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a
  sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said
  was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
  
  Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
  
  I'm sure I applauded the loudest.  Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
  day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

   

  Currently listening to classic 80's rock.  Yeah, you read it right I'm listening to the generation before my generation.  I love music and when I finally get my new room set up, I'm buying a new keyboard.  It's my homecoming gift to myself.  I self-taught myself how to play and read music.  That was fun and it's a hobby I can constantly improve on.  I just hope I don't piss off too many people with my keyboard playing.  I already piss off barracks personel with my musical interests.  Unlike other people I actually like lyrics and not screaming.  I guess I'm too old fashion for my age.  Hey, I still love music from the 50's and on.  I'm one of few people that don't argue with their parents about what plays in the car.  I even buy golden oldies cds that my mom and I can sing together.  It drives my father up a wall.  He doesn't sing he just taps his feet and fingers and then there's the occasional road rage.

  Dad, I'm sorry to bring this up but you are hilarious in everything you drive.  My whole life without incident my dad has never been on the road without someone or something pissing him off while he drives.  He's a very careful driver and drives real slow.  Compared to my mother he crawls on the road.  My mom's a speed demon.  I wonder who I'll take after.  Jason already speeds so hopefully I'll have a mixture of both parents in my driving ability.  Anyway, my dad when he's pissed off and not at me is hysterical to hear.  Some of the things he says could be on one of those comedy cds.  Matter of fact I might put one together, it'll be called "On the Road with Dad".  This one time we were driving to my grandmother's house and this car was going so slow.  Slower than my dad!!!  That's really slow.  My dad was growing increasing impatient being that we were going slower than the flow of traffic and there was no way to pass it.  My dad hollers "I bet if you had a hot date you'd be going faster."  It was summer and everyone's windows were down this was before middle class people could afford air conditioning in their vehicles.  I was in the back of the Caprice with Jason and I looked at the driver behind us and he was chuckling at what my father had said.  As we continued down the road we had to turn and the car just went straight.  Good, right?  Nope. My father got stuck behind another slow vehicle.  Jason and I just smiled at each other just waiting for another outburst.  As if on cue our father without fail, "Is it old fart day on the road and no told me?"  Jason and I cracked up laughing.

  My dad still does this and it gets funnier each time.  I love riding with my dad he's entertaining.  BTW: Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you bigger bigger bunches.  I haven't any baby pics of my dad to embarrass him with, but since Jason is his clone...

   

        

      Dad probably looked like this  

   

  Well that's all I have for now.  So until next entry God bless you all and take care.                 

  • 7:34 pm
  • 3 Comments